Too Many Choices …

I used to think that 12 choices of milk in the dairy case were too many. HAH!

That was nothing! Try shopping for LUGGAGE.

Even if you know what you want (and I thought I did), the choices are dizzying. Never mind that I started at a department store and tried out a set I liked. Forget that I had a  YUGE coupon, Amazon was cheaper. No wonder department stores are in trouble.

I wanted the DooDadSuperLite brand in a rollaboard size.

HAH.

Okay, so there it was online, but … there were a hundred other options. All of them said “lightweight.” BUT NONE OF THE VENDORS POSTED THE EFFING WEIGHT IN THE DESCRIPTION. So, silly me, I went to the specs. I doubt that the shipping weight of 0.3 pounds was correct. My hairbrush isn’t 0.3 pounds. No it wasn’t in the review or questions, either, SmartyPants.

And what EXACTLY is rollaboard size? Depends on the airline! AARGH. Can you imagine my meltdown aboard an aircraft … because my bag was denied boarding … in Istanbul? I’d end up in a Turkish jail. That’s NOT on my bucket list

Baffled, I went to a luggage reviewing site. More verbage, fewer details.  Alas, there were no numbers in their comparison charts. “LtWt” and “UltraLtWt” are called “alternative facts.”

The review site gave me thousands MORE choices. I abandoned the DooDad line and flipped over to liking the Thing-A-Ma-Jig line. Of course, I found TAMJ had hard and soft-side choices.

I was ready to order, or so I thought.

There was a new model available, but it wasn’t Prime eligible unless I bought from other vendors. I clicked on that link and wandered into a cyber-bazaar of souk-like complexity. “Looks like new! Smells almost OK!”

Hmmm. I needed to take a break.

I can remember the day when, if I wanted to travel somewhere, I went to Target, bought a $12 , neon orange, 3 oz. nylon duffel and threw it away when I came home. My pantyhose (remember them? ) weighed more than the bag.

Then I went to “forever” luggage. It’s gorgeous, all high-grade ballistic Krypton with trim from organically grown, Non-GMO fetal pigs.  It’s like carrying  a grown pig … even when it’s empty. Sure, it has wheels, but when I stack the carry-on on top of the suitcase (to roll “one bag” — as they hyped), there’s a 4 mm clearance for my small, human hand. I think they’re trying to color-coordinate my black and blue fingers to the luggage.

Fast forward to Proto-Geezerhood. Obviously, our bags will outlast us — they’re made of indestructible materials: XenoPlutonium, FartAllTitanium. Forget a casket, just smush me into the biggest bag and be done with it. At least I am biodegradable. The luggage is guaranteed until 2765.

Never mind that I need a separate suitcase for all the detritus of Proto-Geezerhood. I’m glad I’m still here, don’t get me wrong, and I don’t need to travel with durable medical equipment like a CPAP machine … yet. But really, is it too much to expect to make room for contact lens solution? At least hearing-aid batteries are small.

I want something really lightweight & wheeled. Oops. I mean “spinner-wheeled.” “Wheeled” can mean a rusted 1954-vintage roller-skate that you attach with a TSA-approved skate key.

I spent nearly an hour on this. I used coding-level computer skills. My computer nearly melted from  the power drain. I nearly melted down. I give up. I’ll put everything in a black trash bag, duct tape it shut, and slap a damned label on it.

Deal with it, Delta.