When both people in a marriage need to lose weight, conflict — even death — can result. Why? A Chubby Hubby loses weight by blinking his eyes. Do one set of eight reps (blink 8 times) and twenty pounds fall off.
If the blinking isn’t effective at weight loss, Hubby reduces his caloric intake. Normal men eat at least three Twinkies a day. No need to give up Twinkies; just lose the bad foods, like carrots, lean meat and broccoli.
Men are not born with a Nutritional Conscience. It’s the reason beer is not just for breakfast any more. How can a food be good for you if you can’t eat it direct from the plastic wrapper or can? Bean dip: Good. Lentils: Bad. Beer: Good. Sun Tea: Bad.
Chubby Hubby is likely to gloat when he achieves his “varsity” weight the next day. DON’T GLOAT. You could die. Tubby Wives loathe their dieting-for-two-nanoseconds husbands. Loathing leads to sloth and gluttony. All three lead to bitchiness on a scale rivaled only by Spanish Inquisition — and they were guys. Guys in dresses, but guys nevertheless. They were a far cry from a woman in Full Fat Rage. Guys, she has a fully automatic assault rifle filled with poison darts, and you have a target on your back.
Why did Tubby Wife get fat? Because you knocked her up! And Mother Nature’s a BITCH, that’s why. Women’s bodies are designed for babies, either riding inside or clinging like ever-growing parasites from her boobs. Her uterus may have turned to stainless steel, but her brain keeps up the programming for nourishing a dozen kids during a famine. Soft and fluffy, she can pass for a beanbag chair if she sits on the floor. If she can’t get up, she becomes the beanbag chair.
She agonizes about what to eat. Butter or a Spray Slime? One is all natural, but high in yummy fats; the other is nothing you’d put on toast, and it will blow a new hole in the ozone layer. So she’s not only fat, she can’t decide whether to poison herself or the environment.
Tubby Wife hasn’t tasted crispy chicken skin in a decade. The Nutrition Police are such nut jobs, she’s eating out of the front flowerbed. Who cares if it is sprayed with insecticides that strip paint?
Thou Shalt Eat Kale. It’s the 11th Commandment. I boycott it on principle. I don’t eat roses, do I? Sautéed Holly? Fricasseed Pansies? No. And I’m not eating KALE. I’m not even trying it. So there.
Everyone knows that one stick of string cheese will put on ten pounds by morning. A guy KNOWS that, so he has a Twinkie instead.
A woman must drink Lake Erie dry to “be well hydrated.” It doesn’t pass through. The algae goes straight to her hips, and the water plumps up her fat cells.
As for exercise, 2,000 laps around the high school track removes one ounce. With every year over 50, she has to add 1,000 laps to keep up.
What this means is that she must eat nothing and exercise non-stop for a year to lose a pound. She has a programmable bed that exercises her all night long. Head UP. Feet UP. Head DOWN. Feet DOWN. The best one is the Side Curl that dumps her onto the floor.
Chubby Hubby, don’t be clueless about your wife and weight loss. You could die if you say the wrong thing. Guys know the Infield Fly Rule, how hard can it be to learn these rules?
- “You look wonderful, darling,” is the only comment acceptable to a woman trying to lose weight. Anything else might get you neutered, divorced, or murdered. Or all three (“The Trifecta”)
- Never, ever editorialize. When your Tubby Wife puts on leggings that explode from her bulk, DO NOT SAY, “Honey, you’ve gotta lose some weight.” See number #1 for the consequences. In addition, women will come from near and far to put bullets into your body. They’ll pay for the privilege. Tubby Wife will go to a spa, lose the lard and shack up with the tennis pro. So there!
- The Tubby Wife can, and should, say things to encourage Chubby Hubby to lose weight. It’s part of her job. “Hey, Lard Ass, lose a few, would you? Your belly’s in the next zip code. And get some exercise. Your ass is dragging the floor.” That is a Loving, Caring woman. Go buy her a piece of jewelry.
- If your Tubby Wife wants ice cream, GET IT. Even if there’s a gang war going on outside; even if a Cat 5 hurricane’s blowing, GET IT. That’s real support.
- Finally, when she returns to her cheerleader body (okay so her pompoms are around her knees), do NOT suggest she “take in her clothes.” She’s needs plastic surgery to “take in” her excess skin. BUY it for her. Along with the piece of jewelry.