Predictions: 2017

Good riddance to 2016. Unless you were a Cubs fan, it ranks as one of the rankest years in history. Here’s what I see for 2017 in my crystal ball. I just report what the crystal ball shows.

Donald Trump will be sworn in on January 20th. He’ll deliver his speech via Twitter.

During Trump’s Inauguration, the crowds on the Mall will destabilize the Washington Monument. It will fall over and take out the Oval Office.

Assuming Barack Obama doesn’t appoint himself to the Supreme Court,¬†Trump will appoint a rabidly conservative justice, “Ross Winestock.” Once on the bench, the justice will declare himself to be transgendered and insist upon wearing a pink robe. She’ll change her name to “Ros√© Wine,” and vow to get the government out of women’s bodies.

Autopsies of terrorists will show all had micro-penises, not even as big as their pinky fingers. Terrorism will wither and die within the year.

The Obamas will retire to a house in D.C. to await Sasha’s graduation from high school. Having visited the world via Air Force One, he’ll stay home. Not. He will take “legacy laps” — like DJT’s victory laps, but a lot more expensive.

Hillary Clinton will be brought out of her medically-induced coma and hook up with Mick Jagger. Why? Why not?

Mike Pence will have a Mattel doll made in his likeness. It’ll be called Retired Ken and have very nice manners.

Having overturned all other moral boundaries, there will be a best-seller about bestiality. 50 Shades of Gray Wolf.

Oprah will admit that Weight Watchers didn’t work for her. Her “weight loss” was caused by 17 pairs of Spanx and Video Photoshop.

Dr. Oz will not deny allegations his MD came from www.doctorsrus.com.

Jim Cantore will explode on-air while covering a volcano eruption.

Anderson Cooper will stop giggling like a pre-teen girl when he thinks something is funny.

John Kerry will smile, causing his face to crack, then crumble.

John Edwards and David Duke will team up for the 2020 election; a handsome philanderer/widower and white supremacist. Donald will dump Pence and ask Howard Stern to be his running mate.

Common sense, having been out of vogue for three decades will return. There will also be peace in the Middle East. Oh, and pigs will fly.

I think my crystal ball needs to go to the shop. What do you mean, the repair shop has moved to China?!?