Our World on Speed

Is it just me, or is the world accelerating? Everything seems to be going too fast.   Hurrrryyyyy upppppppp!

Technology changes by the picosecond. The clunky, pricey computer is now a magic tablet that zooms through the cosmos, directed by your pointy finger. Everything tech is out of date the week before you unpacked it. It’s getting seriously cheap.  Zoom and macro lenses for your smartphone sell for a few bucks. Soon they’re be spray-on.

Computers killed books. As a kid, I always had my nose in a book. Now I have it in my leather iPad Mini case.  Gone are the Saturday nights browsing at the bookstore. That was so 2005. Now, I read pixels, not paper, thanks. Reading is so very old school. Page-turning is such a bore. Yes, sometimes even I do the heavy lifting of deciphering characters and symbols, but really, who has time for such slow joy?

Television’s so much more efficient; no wonder we binge-watch instead of reading. Audio, video and a music track … you can’t get those from a paper book. And look at smart TV’s. Once an oxymoron, they now follow voice commands like,  “Australia, 1953.” Shazzam, you’re in “A Place to all Home.” No jet lag. No airfare. Yes, SmartyPants, I do know that “watching” does zero for your taste buds and send of smell. So nuke some popcorn! Crave tactile stimulation? Climb into a heated, massaging LaZBoy recliner.

We’ve soared past calorie-wasting entertainment like skating on a frozen pond. We bank those calories now in binge-watching. No wonder we’re fat.

Even history is speeding up. The Campaign-from-Hell took forever, but the dissolution of a presidency is a hot topic just two months in. Congress will grill Kushner, Stone, Manafort, and Flynn before Easter. Trump could be toast by my birthday in late April. (Be still my beating heart!)

How has Jared Kushner sped from a preppy-rich-kid to a son-in-law, then to a member of the National Security Council? Wait. What the hell is he doing at the Ultimate Grownups’ Table? What does he know about “national security?”

Sean Spicer assures me that “Jared, Ivanka and the three children have traveled “nationally” from New York to Hawaii. It’s entirely possible he locked their hotel room doors while traveling.”

Hey, wait a minute. That’s not the kind of “national security” they talk about every morning in the Oval Office. That’s seriously scary stuff. Get him outta there; he could develop PTSD. Keep him in other other oxymoronic jobs: a Jewish Middle East Peace Envoy, a Legislative Whip/Aspen Ski-Daddy and an official  Government Streamliner.

Seriously?

Who changes the planet before they’re 35? Yeah, yeah, okay. Alexander the Great. And Steve Jobs. And Bill Gates. And Michael Dell. But they were visionaries; Kushner’s just a Son-In-Law.

Ivanka, too,  is speeding … into obscurity. She’s already been through Stiletto Barbie, First Daughter, and now she’s a Fake-Perfume Meme, “Complicit,” on SNL. Forget 15 minutes of fame; it’s 15 seconds now. Say good night, Ivanka.

Our personal worlds are also accelerating. Look at makeup. We use more products every year. Forget soap and water, now we do “skin care.” We shell out megabucks for stuff that’s invisible? Who cares if is has oxygen-rich Fartosomes? Forget a touch of color on your lips and cheeks, now even your frigging eyebrows require “doing.” Nails are an entire industry. No wonder we have less money than men. We buy invisible stuff, put it on our faces, and then wash it all off every night.

Homes are now hotels. Speed past a set of clean towels for guests, we now “accessorize guest space” with everything from soap to nuts. Don’t forget Wi-Fi passwords and … ta da … a Charging Station. Mine’s solar-powered … take that, Joanna Gaines.

Even footwear is changing rapidly. I’ve worn Keds for years; once sporty and youthful, they’re now sensible. Damn. The newest wrinkle is an app for custom-made shoes, Feetz. You upload images of your feet and then, bada-bing, their factory 3-D prints your shoes. Compare that to creaky old John Lobb, the custom shoemaker/cobbler for Queen Elizabeth. His shoes are $2000 a pair;  Feetz are $125. I”ll stick with Keds, thanks. AppShoes might give me CyberBlisters on my VirtualBunion.

All this speeding makes us more anxious. So now Anxiety is an exploding business with talk therapists, medications, aroma therapists, cognitive therapists, and, yes, apps.

I like Calm. It’s free.

I could go on … but we’re both tired. Every yin has its yang. As the world speeds up, I am balancing the universe by slowing down. I am staying in today, doing nothing. I shall breathe deeply … ommm … breathe … ommm …

I’m bored now.

Hand me my tablet, would you, please? I need to surf … and shop … online. I live online now, don’t you?

Oh wow, check out these new emojis!